Eva One-Half
by AidenEldritch
Summary: Chapter 4 up! A deliciously sweet and crack-esque genderswap fic, which basically aims to retell Eva with more laughs. Starts with Episode 8 with genderswapped pilots only. Asushin and Kaworei. R&R! Thanks. Rated M for lots of ecchi humor and language.
1. The One With The IPECAC

**Dedicated To:**

ObeliskX

For giving me the inspiration to write this fanfic. That is, I can

now blame you for anything I write.

"So, there's a new pilot?" Shinji asked Misato.

"Yep! They should be arriving any time now."

"Really?" The three of them had been waiting for some time now, and Toji and Kensuke were getting bored. Suffice it to say that when Toji and Kensuke were bored, they wished for a breeze to come through.

"Then they've been missing for... almost half an hour," Shinji said testily.

"Did somebody call for a pilot?" someone drawled.

"Ah, here he is," Misato said with an air of relief. "Finally. Meet the Second Child, Asuka Sohryu."

==0.0.0==

 **Eva One-Half**

==0.0.0==

"Hmm... not that impressive," Asuka said casually. "Why did they pick _you_ for an Eva pilot?" he asked, staring at Shinji as if to say, _What was Gendo thinking?_

"Oh-Oh yeah?" Shinji said, trying to fight back. "Well, why did your parents give a boy a girl's name?" she retorted hotly.

"Because boys with girl's names are always the hottest ones. Didn't you know that?" Asuka smiled coldly at the Third Child. "Same can't be said for girls with a boy's name," he sniped.

"OK, OK, OK," Misato said. "Would you two stop bickering for just one moment?"

"I wasn't fighting," Asuka replied cooly. "Fighting a punching bag is just practicing."

Misato glared pointedly at him. "Let's at least have a truce until we have some lunch, would we?" she said, trying to defuse the situation. "And don't flash Shinji," she retorted, causing Asuka to redden and quickly do up his fly. Then she noticed who was accompanying the Second Child, and her face quickly turned sour.

"Ah, Misato," Kaji said, flashing her a winning smile. "Beautiful as always."

"Oh, for the love of f*ck!" Misato swore, before storming off to the mess hall.

" _Would you two stop fighting,_ " Asuka mimicked in a high-pitched voice. "Hypocrite."

Lunch on board the ship was chilly to say the least. Not helped by the lack of a microwave.

"So, you're the Third Child, Shinji Ikari," Kaji said, taking a bite of his salad.

"How did you know my name?" Shinji didn't know she was so famous, given that Nerv didn't exactly send _The Tokyo-3 Times_ articles on Eva.

"Well, word spreads around fast in Nerv. Helps that you're such a good pilot too."

"Oh. Thanks," Shinji said, blushing. "Um. It's just good luck, really," Shinji said.

"That's not good luck." Kaji smiled. "That's your talent, and speaking of talents..." Kaji considered the possibility of death by Misato, before going ahead. "...is Misato still so wild in bed?"

Asuka spat out his omelette and excused himself to go to the toilet, while Toji and Kensuke both had simultaneous heart attacks and collapsed.

"The hell?!" Misato slammed her hands on the table. "Kaji, you are disgusting!" she roared.

Shinji simply smiled as if nothing was wrong. "Good banter."

At that stage, Asuka was thinking, _If you can keep your head while others all around you are losing theirs, you don't understand the severity of the situation._

Asuka returned from the bathroom, his face still a shade of pale green.

"Asuka, could you please kindly show Shinji around the Eva?" Misato asked sweetly. "Be a dear, would you," she said, voice dripping with charm.

The Second Child would've liked nothing more than to leave the room, what with Misato giving Kaji a glare that should've killed him. So he gratefully accepted the chance to escape, while Shinji also took the chance to run away.

Kaji was sweating bullets at this stage, being alone in a large room filled with sharp objects with an angry Misato (who also had a gun).

Misato was about to throw a knife or seventy-five at Kaji, before the ship rocked to one side.

"What the hell was that?" Misato asked.

"Just a bit of chop," the captain informed them. "Hopefully," he mumbled.

"So, this is Unit-02," Shinji said lamely, staring up at the giant red metal behemoth. "It's very... red..." she trailed off, not knowing what else to say about it.

"Of course," Asuka replied. "Among its many other improvements, like not goingberserk every half-hour, the color scheme is better by far," he said sarcastically. "Green and purple is disgusting. Reminds me of the time somebody put food coloring in the lager at Oktoberfest."

"Wait, what?" Shinji blinked. "Did you just say, _Reminds me of the time somebody put food coloring in the lager?_ " she said in disbelief.

"Some idiot pranker," Asuka said in disgust. "They decided it would be a good idea to put in purple food dye and IPECAC in the beer, and soon everybody was throwing up their small intes-"

"-Too much information." Shinji said, blocking her ears with her hands. "I don't even need to know," she said.

"Thank goodness they actually _stopped_ me from drinking the beer that time," Asuka said with an air of relief. "Although I didn't enjoy it as much."

Shinji rolled her eyes and sighed. _No wonder he gets along so well with Misato_ , she thought.

There was suddenly a loud _BOOM_ and the ship rocked to one side, sending the two pilots sliding across the deck.

"Oh, crap..." Asuka said, as he watched the large dark shape that was Gaghiel smash into the side of the ship again. "It's an Angel, isn't it."

 _No, really!_ Shinji thought to herself.

Asuka led them down the stairs to the locker rooms and pulled out two red plugsuits.

"Get changed," he ordered. "Quickly, before the whole ship... goes... down..." _Must... control... the urge... to look..._

"Quit staring, I know this thing is tight," Shinji snapped, unimpressed with Asuka's lack of professionalism. "Let's get to the Eva already!"

Gaghiel seemed to have grown bored of bumping the ship and instead was deciding to wreak havoc upon the other ships as well, giving them enough respite to get in the mecha.

"Right then." Asuka intoned something in foreign before saying the only thing Shinji really understood. "Synchro-start."

The Eva made a sound like a car stalling, before finally falling silent again.

"Technical difficulties?" Shinji asked drily.

"Shut up," Asuka said, flushing red. "It's your thought-noise. If you have to think, do so in German!" he barked.

"OK, then. _Baumkuchel._ Uh, _guten tag_." Shinji tried, counting off the words on her fingers. "...I got nothing."

Asuka smacked his head on the console and switched the language to Japanese.

"Right, you wanna play, Gaghiel?" Asuka cracked his knuckles and gripped the controls of the Eva. "Then let's play hopscotch," he grinned.

The Eva swung around with his movements before launching itself into the air in a display of gymnastics that would've won the Olympic games. (That is, if the Olympic games still existed.) Pulling off a backflip just to rub it in, it landed on the deck of the _Cymbeline_ with a mighty _thump_.

Shinji turned a pale shade of green and struggled to hold in her vomit, while Asuka merely looked around for another ship to jump onto. Swinging the Eva around, he frantically looked around for the next jump.

"Come on!" he growled. "Can't you just sail _slightly_ closer to this thing!" Gaghiel was approaching fast, and taking a hit would've been suicide. "Just because I was good at long jump doesn't mean I can jump a damn kilometer!... Ah, there we go!" Asuka gritted his teeth and leaped again, right as Gaghiel burst from the water and tore through their power cable with the weight of a couple of thousand tons.

There was a loud flickering noise and the Eva's screens flared with white static, before returning to normal.

" _Scheiss, scheiss, scheiss!_ " Asuka cursed loudly, before checking the timer on the screen. "How are we gonna kill this ugly _schweinhund_ now?" he muttered.

The radio buzzed.

"Hello?" Asuka asked, picking up the reciever.

"It's Misato here," a voice said. "I have a plan to kill Gaghiel!"

"Do tell."

"The _Over the Rainbow_ has a nuclear reactor in it! We can-"

"- use it for a power source so that I can kill it using my Prog Knife! Thanks Misato!" Asuka cut in. "Bye-bye!"

He hung up the receiver and sighed with relief.

"That wasn't very nice," Shinji scolded. "She's the tactical director of Nerv!"

"All I know is that she's slightly crazy and that her plans don't go as planned, excuse the pun," Asuka said flatly. "My plan is at least slightly better."

"AAAAAAAAAAhhhh!" Shinji screamed, as the Evangelion took off once more. "Why did I let you think up these plans in the first place?" she mumbled. "Feel... sick..."

"If you don't want to let humanity die, suck it up," Asuka replied. "There are some things the filtering system can't remove."

"Could you... give me a warning... next time?" Shinji said weakly. "That would help..."

"Sure. Warning!" Asuka shouted, before yanking the controls violently upwards.

"What? WHAAAAAAhhhh!"

The Evangelion took off like a rocket and finally touched down on the _Over the Rainbow_ , where the emergency power cable was waiting to be deployed.

"They plugged this thing into a _nuclear reactor_?" Shinji shook her head. "We couldn't've just put this into mains?" she mumbled.

"Quit talking to yourself and help me out with this, wouldya," Asuka ordered, trying his best to untangle the cable (which like so many others had twenty-seven different knots in it).

"Sorry."

Pretty soon they had the cable untangled and plugged into the back of the Eva.

"We got power!" Asuka fist-pumped the air and drew the Prog Knife. "Now, come at me, Gaghie-"

Gaghiel obliged and leapt from the water, snapping up the mecha like a delicious bite of food.

Both Asuka and Shinji were tossed around in the Entry Plug like snow in a paperweight.

Asuka hit the back of the wall with a _thud_ , before Shinji slammed into him, compacting him between the wall and herself.

"Ow... Pervert!" Shinji smacked Asuka. "Trying to cop a feel already?" she asked hotly.

Asuka would've said something smartass had his breath not been nonexistent and his concentration been focussed on not dying.

"What's the Angel doing?" he asked, looking around frantically. "Oh, no... we're underwater, aren't we?"

"And we're too heavy to swim," Shinji completed. "Which means we're doomed."

A couple of silent minutes passed, allowing the realisation to finally sink in.

The radio buzzed again.

"Hello?" Asuka said.

"Hahaha, didn't think you could survive long without me," Misato said smugly over the radio.

Asuka slammed down the receiver, causing Shinji to flinch.

Then the intercom crackled with static, before Misato screamed, "LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE!"

Asuka glared pointedly at the speaker. "What do you want?" he asked testily.

"I have a plan to get you two out of there. Just for Asuka's benefit, I'll explain it in simple words." Misato fought to contain her giggles. "We have many ship. Two ship sinky-sinky, go down and try to get inside Angel. You hold Angel mouth open so that ship can go inside. Blow up ship. Boom! Boom! Angel dead."

Shinji took one look at Asuka and wondered why the Eva hadn't gone berserk at this stage.

"Fine," Asuka said, throwing his hands up in the air. "I get it. Now if we make it back alive, could you please stop giving me crap?" he asked.

"Absolutely." Misato smiled evilly. "Now what are you waiting for! Put it into action!" She hung up... and burst into fits of giggles.

"I don't think she knows we can hear her," Shinji whispered.

"OK, so we just... heave the mouth open, is that it?" Asuka asked, scratching his head. "Pretty sure she copied the idea off an old Steven Spielberg movie," he mumbled.

"Who cares how bad a plan it is?" Shinji replied carelessly. "If we don't follow it, we'll die. If we do follow it, we might die. But we might also live, too!"

"Thanks for that, Ms. Positivity," Asuka said, glaring at Shinji. "All right, then, 3... 2... 1... HEAVE!" Asuka strained with the controls of the Evangelion. "A little help here..."

Shinji floated over to the controls and joined in the effort to prise open Gaghiel's gigantic jaws.

Servos whined and creaked, but agonisingly slowly, the jaws slowly opened.

"We haven't got much time! Dammit!" Asuka cursed, staring at the incoming metal ships. "Hurry up!"

The two of them struggled against the crushing force of Gaghiel's teeth and slowly, achingly managed to pry them open.

"Here goes," Asuka mumbled.

There was a mighty explosion and the Evangelion was launched into the air, before landing onto the deck of the _Over the Rainbow_ with a _thud_.

"I think you guys can only violate the law of incredible coincidences once," Misato said, glaring at Asuka. "Don't pull a stunt like that again," she warned, subtly gesturing to the gun at her belt.

"Yes ma'am," Asuka replied carelessly. "Even though it was my idea that saved humanity," he deadpanned, earning him an elbow in the ribs from Shinji.

"As an appropriate punishment, I have suggested something to the heads of Nerv that both of you I'm sure would enjoy _very much_."

Shinji would've run, but she was frozen to the spot.

"Because Kaji will be... doing _other_ business..." Misato said with an air of disgust, "... he will no longer be able to chaperone you around, Asuka. Thus, we've decided... that you two will be living together."

 **Omake!**

1 - How This All Started (For Steins;Gate Fans)

Ruka hit the SEND button on the phone as the microwave crackled with static.

There was a long silence as everyone waited for something to happen, and then... nothing.

"What happened?" Okabe asked, scratching his head. "Did something go wrong?"

"Nope, just wrong number," Kurisu said, checking the phone screen.

 _Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt._

Yui Ikari woke up in the middle of the night and checked her pager.

"What the...?" she wondered, looking at her pager.

She read the text, and shook her head.

"So, that whole eat vegetables stuff really is true..." she said to herself.

 _Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt._

Kyoko Sohryu woke up in the middle of the night and checked her phone.

"What the...?" she wondered, looking at her pager. "Eat... meat... not... vegetables. Huh. Dietary advice, perhaps? Wait... maybe this'll help my child grow up healthier."

Okabe typed in the phone number and handed it to Ruka. "Try it again, maybe this time it'll work," he said, not knowing that in the Evaverse, something had gone horribly, horribly, wrong...


	2. The One With The DDR

**This Chapter Bought To You By:**

3sdt & all the other followers

For giving me the courage to keep draggin' this thing out.

 _3 Weeks Later_

Shinji fiddled with the straps on her bag. "D'you think that Sensei's going to ask for the homework?" she asked nervously.

"Pshht, no way," Asuka said carelessly. "To be totally honest, he could set homework every day and be too busy trying to come up with new ways to make gags about the apocalypse to care."

* * *

"So, in that cinematic rendition of Second Impact, the star Mira Nicki really had a _meteoric_ rise in fame, haha..." The teacher grinned nervously and waited for laughter.

Several seconds passed, before the class groaned in unison.

Toji and Kensuke smashed their heads on their desk, while Asuka facepalmed and Shinji made a throwing up motion.

Even Hikari looked a little embarrassed for the poor man.

* * *

"But there are more important things," Asuka said. "Like who's the guy in the empty seat? He's been skipping school for a while now."

"He isn't skipping school. He broke half the bones in his body!" Shinji scolded. "Give him a break for a week at least, would you?"

"Sure, sure," Asuka replied. "I wonder... would that be him over there?" he asked, pointing at the blue-haired boy sitting on the bench, reading quietly.

Shinji looked where he was pointing, and ticked off the three points on her Rei Ayanami checklist.

 _Blue hair? Tick. Red eyes? Tick. Albino? Tick._

"That would be Rei Ayanami," Shinji said by way of introduction.

==1.1.1==

 **Eva One-Half**

==1.1.1==

"Hey."

Rei Ayanami was unused to intruders onto his personal space. He enjoyed reading very much, and people interrupting him were... annoying.

"Hey," Asuka repeated loudly. "Can you hear me?" he asked, waving a hand in front of the bluenette.

"I am capable of hearing," Rei said, looking up from his book. "Pilot Sohryu. I am pleased to meet you," he said calmly.

"Well... pleased to meet you too," Asuka replied. "Whatcha reading?" he asked.

"The title is _Metaphysics Advanced Course_ , written by..." Rei looked at the spine of the well-worn book. "... the name is redacted."

"Sweet. Someone else intelligent!" Asuka said brightly. "Well, I'm sure we'll be great friends!"

"If I'm ordered to I will be," Rei said coldly, before turning back to his book.

Asuka seemed perplexed at the boy's strange behavior. [1] As the two Children walked off to their lockers, Shinji elbowed him in the ribs.

"What?!" Asuka asked, glaring at Shinji. "Don't hit me for no reason!"

"You know exactly why I did that!" Shinji retorted. "You had no right to barge in on him like that!" [2]

Toji raised an eyebrow at Rei, and asked Kensuke, "Are only weirdos Eva pilots?"

* * *

Shinji was on the verge of falling asleep (in the first 5 minutes of school, no less) when there was a loud siren that jolted her out of it.

"Angel attack," Shinji sighed in a way that said _I'm sick and tired of this_.

"Yep," Asuka said. "Guess we'd better head off to Nerv."

"IT'S A GUNDAM!" [3] somebody screamed, pointing at the giant shape lumbering through the city of Tokyo.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" was the main response from the class.

All hell broke loose inside class 2-A, and Shinji, Rei and Asuka decided to take the opportunity to discreetly escape to Nerv.

* * *

"Any readings from the Magi yet, Ritsuko?" Misato asked.

Ritsuko tapped on her keyboard some more. "OK, we're polling the Magi right about now. Let's see..."

 _They're Siamese twins_ , Balthazar intoned.

"Nothing productive so far," Ritsuko said tersely, glaring at her laptop screen.

Misato raised her eyebrow at the word "productive" but said nothing.

Melchizor was putting Balthazar in a digital headlock.

 _They're two Angels in one!_ Melchizor said quickly. _Ignore Balthazar's stupid humor!_

"Conjoined?" Ritsuko asked, squinting at the laptop.

Shigeru discreetly made a _cuckoo_ gesture, while Makoto snickered a little bit.

"I saw that, Shigeru," Ritsuko said, still concentrated on the computer screen. "We've got nothing special. Seems like a weaker version of Sachiel."

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Misato asked. "Sortie Unit-01 and Unit-02. Nothing to it!"

 _I wouldn't say that..._ Melchizor muttered. _Something tells me... oh, wait, it is me. All 500 petaflops of my computing power._

"Quit smart-talking, Mother!" Ritsuko snapped, pounding the _mute_ key on her laptop.

"What the hell are you going on about, Ritsu?" Misato asked, scratching her head. "Why exactly are you talking to yourself again?"

"Nothing," Ritsuko said quickly. "Just... tired and a little stressed."

"All right then. Commander's given the go-ahead for the deployment of the two units," Misato said. "I'm going to record this for _Evangelion's Greatest Hits_." [4]

* * *

As it turned out, however, Misato should've put the battle in the box called _Time We Lost Our Nerv_.

Asuka drew his Sonic Glaive, and threw.

The Angel immediately got a knife flying at 50 miles an hour to the chest.

Shinji looked over at Asuka with an impressed look on her face.

"Did you just..." Shinji trailed off.

"Well, that was easy," Asuka said, shrugging. "FLAWLESS VICTORY! _"_ he declared, pumping his fists in the air. "Who da best pi-"

Then the Angel peeled off into two seperate halves, and everything went downhill.

" _Scheist_." Asuka mumbled.

"RUUUN!" both pilots screamed, and the Evas didn't need to be told.

* * *

" _Well, that was easy_ ," Misato mimicked, flicking through the photos. " _Flawless victory_ my ass," she muttered, bringing up the photos of Unit-01 and Unit-02.

Both Asuka and Shinji had been absolutely smashed. It was only due to the intervention of a handily placed non-nuclear bomb that Israfel was gone... for the time being.

"It was her fault!" Asuka protested, pointing at Shinji.

"I wasn't the one who knifed it and split it in half!" Shinji retorted hotly.

"No, you were the one who didn't give me backup!"

"Would you two quiet down!" Fuyutsuki snapped, causing both of them to fall silent. "Stop blaming it on each other. Both of you were at fault in that battle, and you know it. We won't be able to stop Israfel again the next time it attacks. Humanity is now in the hands of you two. Don't make us reconsider."

"The U.N. intervened at that stage," Misato continued. "They used an N2 mine and destroyed about a quarter of its body. It'll take one week to regenerate, during which you two will have to train to get ready."

"So, the million-yen question - what do we have to do?" Asuka asked.

"Good question. Ever played Dance Dance Revolution?" Misato replied, a grin on her face.

* * *

"We're doing a _dance_ battle?" Shinji asked, still in disbelief as they drove back to Misato's apartment. "I can't believe it... I thought that stuff only happened in bad anime..."

"You'll be drinkin' it in full 1080p, then," Misato replied. "And don't worry, Metacritic gave your life... a 10/10, just so you know it's not _that_ bad."

"Pfft! If _her_ life is 10/10, then I'm over 9000," Asuka sniped. "So, then, how are we going to practice? Did you buy a proper arcade machine?" he asked eagerly. "Cause I was the _cham-pi-on_ in America at this game!"

"Sorry, Asuka," Misato apologised. "I hope you're not disappointed by a Twister mat hooked up to a score counter."

"Dammit!" Asuka cursed. "Well, at least our movements are the only thing we'll have to sync."

"Haven't you learnt not to say stuff like that?" Misato asked. [5]

"What? Why? Oh, no way," Asuka moaned. "Don't tell me..."

"Yep, everything. What time you wake up, what time you go to bed, what food you eat and even your outfits," Misato said, grinning widely. "And you'll just _love_ the ones I ordered for you on EvaBay!" [6]

* * *

 _Day 1_

"A... pink... spandex outfit?!" Asuka spluttered. "I look ridiculous in this!" he protested, squirming about uncomfortably. "Come on, I thought Tokyo was meant to be the height of fashion! Even different-colored t-shirts look better than this!"

"It's an "aerobics outfit", and by the way, Shinji seems to disagree," Misato commented, pointing at the Third Child. "Blood raining from her nose doesn't usually mean she's laughing," she explained.

"Wh- oh. Pervert!" Asuka quickly turned away from Shinji.

 _Day 2_

"Come on you two!" Misato clapped her hands. "You call that dancing?"

Shinji was keeled over, panting heavily. "How do you expect me to do a handstand _and_ dance in sync to this music?!" she protested.

"Fine then," Misato said, obviously disappointed. "So much for the rest of that routine," she sighed.

"What did that involve exactly?" Asuka asked.

"It involved you doing a couple of backflips, the odd splits and a headspin or two if you two did well," Misato replied wistfully.

"I'm thankful that Shinji's a bad dancer," Asuka mumbled.

 _Day 3_

"Are you done yet?" Asuka asked, crossing his legs and bouncing about in an effort to stop himself from wetting his pants. "Please... mercy..."

"Not yet," Shinji called, relaxing in the bath to _Fly Me to the Moon_. "Aaaah. Bliss," she sighed, stretching out.

"DAMMIT, MY BLADDER CAN'T TAKE THIS NO MORE!" Asuka screamed, and ran off to the fridge.

"Asuka, you look like you're a little drunk," Misato commented. "And this beer tastes salty," she said in disgust, glaring at the can of Yebisu that had been left on the counter.

Shinji looked questioningly at Asuka, who had a very guilty look on his face.

 _Day 4_

"Well, at least you two have gotten somewhat better," Misato sighed. "Hopefully you can finally break the 50% barrier in 3 days."

"We're _still_ at less than 50% synchronisation?" Asuka asked, frantically trying to hit the glowing dots on the mat. "How?"

"Because you- oh, never mind," Misato said, facepalming at the latest failure. "Shinji, please don't get your hands twisted up with your legs. That would be awkward in the Eva. And Asuka, you're the one missing the beats [7] here. Don't blame her."

"So... we... practice... again?" Shinji panted. "I think... the most... appropriate song to play here... is... _Feels Like We Only Go Backwards_."

 _Day 5 - Party!_

"Guess who else decided to come along to your practice sessions?" Misato asked, grinning despite the fact that Asuka was berating Shinji again. Rei had arrived several hours ago to observe their progress and didn't even looked disappointed.

"No idea," Shinji said. "Who?"

"Let me guess," Asuka said sarcastically. "The Two Stooges?"

"Ding ding ding! One hundred points to Sohryu!" Misato announced. "Oop, there they are," she said, noticing the knocking on the door. "You two answer the door."

"Hello?" the two asked in sync.

"BAAH!" Toji and Kensuke jumped back. "What did she do to you two?" Toji asked in a panic, looking at the two synced-up pilots.

"Misato made us do this," the two sighed (in sync). "Don't ask."

"Come in," Misato said cheerfully. "Don't just stand there and stare!"

"Um... thanks," Toji said awkwardly. "So, is there anything to eat?" he asked eagerly, dragging Kensuke with him into the apartment.

"Always hungry," Misato sighed. "Check the kitchen. But you don't want to miss out on the main spectacle... the synchronised dancers, Asuka and Shinji!" she announced.

"We are not your circus performers!" Asuka and Shinji protested hotly, proving her point.

"Hey, I wanna come in too!" a voice said from the doorway. "Wait, you two are living together?" Hikari asked, scandalised.

"We do what we must in these situations," Misato explained.

However, it was much too late for Toji and Kensuke, who both looked as if they'd been punched.

"You dog!" Toji said, pointing at Asuka. "Don't tell me you've been taking advantage of the situation?" he asked in disbelief, causing Asuka to quickly go from "embarrassed" to "homicidal".

"Misato, can I beat him up a little bit?"

"No."

Soon the three newcomers had settled into the apartment. Hikari was teaching Pen-pen to beg, while Toji was busy scarfing down the left-overs of dinner the previous night. Kensuke had his camcorder stuck to his eye, while Rei was sitting calmly in front of the two pilots.

"Right then, kids!" Misato said brightly. "Are we ready to get our _dance_ on?" she asked.

"No," Asuka and Shinji replied.

"All right then! Get ready, cause here we go!" Misato hit the play button on her tape player and waited for the magic to happen.

Everything went great for the first five seconds. Then all hell broke loose.

Shinji accidentally kicked her hand and toppled over backwards, while Asuka crossed his legs and couldn't get them uncrossed again, causing the two to get tangled up.

"WHY?!" Asuka screamed, furiously trying to get himself back on his feet. "How does this always happen?"

"It's not _that_ hard, Asuka," Misato scolded. "I mean... even Rei could do it," she said, gesturing for Rei to step up.

"Rei?!" Asuka's protests were cut short by Rei calmly stepping onto the mat.

"Ready?" Misato asked. "Let's go, then!"

As soon as the two made their first move, it was almost as if they were being controlled by the same person.

"That's it!" Asuka stomped out of the room in anger and slammed the door behind him.

Hikari looked at the spot where Asuka had been, then at Shinji.

"Shinji!" she said in seeming horror. "What did you do?"

"Me?" Shinji asked in confusion. "I didn't-"

"You made a boy cry!" Hikari spluttered. "What do you mean, _What did I do?_ Go after him!"

* * *

Shinji found Asuka outside the apartment, his face stormy.

"It's come to this, hasn't it?" Asuka said bitterly. "I'm going to get both Rei _and_ Misato!"

"What?" Shinji asked. "I don't- You don't have to prove anything to them! I didn't run all the way here just to tell you to prove your worth to them, y'know!"

"You're Japanese, aren't you? Your honor... is something to defend!" Asuka replied. "For that insult... I'm going to get them back... _ten_ times over!"

Shinji frowned for a moment, before smiling at him.

* * *

 _Day 6_

"Jeez, what did you _do_ to him the other day, Shinji?" Misato asked in disbelief. "Now that's what I call synchronisation."

"I'm Asuka... and I still got it..." Asuka sung to himself while he showered. "Woo!" [8]

"What's he on about?" Shinji asked, pointing her thumb at the shower door.

"It's just normal behavior," Misato said, waving away her concern. "Now, I'm going to be working late. You two don't misbehave, OK? I don't want Section 2 reporting any... misconduct... Shin-chan!"

Shinji was too embarrassed to respond.

"Righty-o. Bye-bye!" Misato smiled sunnily, and shut the door behind her.

"So, we're all alone," a voice said behind Shinji.

"Huh?" Shinji asked.

"I said, we're all alone," Asuka repeated louder.

"So?"

"Oh, forget it," Asuka said in exasperation. "You know what, I think I'll go sleep alone."

"What?" Shinji was perplexed at this sudden turn of events.

Asuka opened the door and pointed at the borderline. "See this, Third Child? That's the Wall of Jericho. Cross it... and Section 2 won't be able to find you again. Now, it's time for children to sleep!" he declared, before slamming the door.

 _What was that all about?_ Shinji thought.

* * *

Anybody looking at the apartment of Misato Katsuragi at 10 PM that night would've seen a zombie staggering about.

That zombie was actually one Asuka Sohryuu. Because someone else already did Evangelion zombies.

Asuka soon made his way into Shinji's room and collapsed on the floor.

Or rather Shinji.

* * *

The author glared at several readers who were rubbing their hands in anticipation of some juicy goodness.

"This is not a lemon," he snapped.

"DAMMIT NO DA!" two people screamed from the back of the digital ampitheater.

The author giggled a little bit at that, before resuming his normal serious face and continuing to type.

* * *

However, Shinji was deep asleep, and her unconscious mind simply brushed it off as a nice warm blanket before continuing to send her some nice dreams about mass-murdering several Angels in her Evangelion.

* * *

The author put his hands up in the air.

"Hell, I'd be dreaming about this stuff if I was in her shoes," he explained. "Those bastards deserve all the hate they get!... except maybe Kaworu."

He pondered that for one second before realising that Tabris was the source of most - no, all - of the yaoi in the fandom.

"Forget that last one," he muttered.

* * *

 _Some time later_

Misato opened the door to Shinji's room and pulled out her sidearm, a C-60... Air Horn.

 _BWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!_

"BAAH!" Shinji jolted upright. "What the hell was that for, Misato?" she snapped, glaring at the now snickering Captain.

"RISE AND SHINE, SHINJI!" Misato shouted in her best drill-sergeant voice. "AND YOU TOO, ASUKA!" she ordered.

"...whuh..." Asuka blearily opened his eyes. "...where am I..."

He quickly realised where his head was, though, and soon scrambled away from Shinji.

Both Children were now sweating enough to fill up an Entry Plug.

Misato took a glance at the two of them, before commenting drily, "Shinji Ikari, please tell me you at least used lube."

Both of them simultaneously had heart attacks.

* * *

Asuka and Shinji were nervously anticipating the arrival of Israfel in their Entry Plugs.

"Hit it," Ritsuko ordered Maya.

"Never thought I'd see the day," Maya said dreamily, which should get yuri fans up.

"The music," Ritsuko clarified.

"Oh, sorry." Maya turned away with a blush on her face.

A peaceful orchestral soundtrack soon floated through the speakers of the Evangelion units, which was ironic considering the bloody murder about to occur.

Both pilots cracked their knuckles and ran headlong at the Angel.

What happened next was a cross between a brutal massacre and a beautiful ballet.

The two Units grabbed their rifles and strafed Israfel, before it split... and soon joined together again via a spin-kick straight out of Code Geass.

Right before the two cores joined together and were covered again, both pilots took the opportunity to jump and drive their feet straight into the core. Their velocity smashed them into the nearby mountain, where Israfel soon went...

Boom.

Everyone on the bridge was forced to squint as the Angel detonated in a beautiful cross-shape explosion and a small rainbow appeared.

Both Evas were sent flying with their pilots blinded by the beauty of the whole scene and the overt symbolism.

Blind pilots don't fly well, needless to say, and the two crash-landed on top of each other.`

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Asuka screamed. "Jerk! Why'd you do that to my Unit-02?"

"What are you on about now? You're the one who's crushing my chest armor!" Shinji retorted.

"You lost your timing first! Why are you so out of it?! What the hell were you doing up last night?"

"I-Image training!" Shinji didn't have a clue what Asuka was talking about.

"You're a liar! I know what you tried to do to me last night!" Asuka roared.

"What? I didn't do anything! _You_ were the one who sleepwalked into my room, you pervert!"

* * *

Central Command was in chaos.

Kaji was wetting himself laughing on the floor, while Maya was trying to hold in giggles and Makoto was grinning like an idiot.

The rest of the bridge was simultaneously crying, facepalming, or looking slightly disgusted.

Gendo Ikari... was grinning behind his gloved hands. [10]

They say that comedy is tragedy plus time.

Which would've explained why Misato, one hour later, was laughing her head off.

"You two are priceless," she giggled. "Oh, man, as if this morning wasn't funny enough, you two follow it up..."

Asuka and Shinji were facing opposite ways and definitely not talking to each other.

Misato, however, was too embroiled in her _schadenfreude_ to notice something very dangerous racing towards her.

"Misato..." Asuka said suddenly. "You're heading towards-"

 _BEEEEEEEEEEEP!_

"WRONG LANE! WRONG LANE!"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" all three passengers screamed.

* * *

 **What Didn't Make The Cut**

* * *

[1]: Usually after making out, Rei didn't look so gloomy.

[2]: "You know Rei needs his privacy!" Shinji reprimanded. "Especially in the shower!"

[3]: Tell me I'm not the only one who thinks this.

[4]: _Evangelion's Greatest Hits_ \- 504 Right hooks, uppercuts and Prog Knife slashes on 3 DVDs!

[5]: Misato's nose was bleeding slightly at the dirty thought Asuka's last comment had conjured up.

[6]: EvaBay - We sell Prog Knives, Cores and armor plating too! Buy 500 L of LCL and get an additional 50% free!

[7]: A cookie to the viewers who spotted this.

[8]: "Well," Shinji said, hiding her blush behind her hand, "I really... _worked_ _him out_... that day on the balcony, you know?"

"Work me out?" Asuka said in disbelief, poking his head out of the shower door. "You ca-"

The author stopped, suddenly realising that he was writing the beginning of a lemon.

"Why do my tears feel so familiar?" he asked himself, sobbing through his hands.

[9]: Poor Asuka never saw the next day, as Shinji was now violently acting her dreams out in real life.

[10]: "My daughter had her first time..." Gendo sniffed and wiped a tear away from his eye.


	3. The One With The Tease

**Dedicated (With Crap Poems) To:**

Western-Otaku

* * *

I read up on your super-slick

Genderswap fic

It really was a hit! though

Shinji sounds like Rukako.

* * *

NarwhalWarlord

* * *

To whom the author gave a sneak peek

At this chapter now of whom we speak.

* * *

 _Some days ago_

Asuka was twirling a pen round his finger, while Hikari, sitting next to him, was staring at Toji with unabashed affection.

"What are you staring at?" Asuka asked Hikari.

"Um." Hikari shook her head to clear it of the fog. "Nothing."

"Huh," Asuka said, not believing a word of it. "Say, what happened between those two?" he asked, pointing at Shinji and Toji, who flinched every time Shinji made a sudden movement.

"Trust me, it was very violent," Hikari said, growing a sweatdrop.

"Define," Asuka said, rolling his hand in a _continue_ gesture.

"As in, give him a concussion and send him to the nurse's office for a day violent," Hikari clarified. "That clear enough for you?"

"Ah." Asuka finally realised what the mysterious crimson stains on the pavement were... and just how far the limits of "pissed" could stretch for his fellow pilot. "Still didn't answer my first question, though."

"Eh?" Hikari was beginning to sweat slightly. She thought she'd diverted his attention enough with that last answer...

"You like him, don't you?" Asuka stated flatly.

Hikari blushed bright red.

"If that's all, then just ask him out to dinner or something." Asuka shrugged his shoulders. "Just so that I don't feel like gagging every time you look at him," he added snidely.

Hikari would've strangled him right then and there for his comment had she a) not been class rep and b) not had a much better plan for revenge.

"All right then," Hikari said icily. "But I have one condition."

"What's that?" Asuka was sure he'd gotten a checkmate. No two ways about it. "Just to prove I'm not afraid."

Bad choice.

"You go out at the same restaurant we do... with Shinji."

==2.2.2==

 **Eva One-Half**

==2.2.2==

"So, an outfit for a nice dinner?" Kaji asked, as they walked through the aisles and aisles of assorted shirts and ties. "You asked the right person. Now, what to do..." He scratched his chin in thought for a second, before running off. "Try this one on," he directed, proffering the clothes at Asuka.

Asuka darted into the nearest change rooms before reappearing again. "All right, how do I look?" he asked, grinning broadly.

Dressed in a leather jacket and sunglasses with jeans, the redhead had a few... color clashes.

Kaji blinked, before cringing visibly. "Not as great as I thought," he sighed. _Damn, the leather jacket always worked for me._

Asuka once again disappeared into the changing rooms and reappeared.

Kaji looked him over once more. "Oh, come on, that's just... no."

Asuka sighed, and finally reappeared once more in a plain tux... which was nothing more than a swanky suit over his school uniform,

"To be totally honest, I think that looks the best on you," Kaji noted. "Let's not waste more money than is necessary, shall we?"

"Agreed," Asuka sighed, dejected and downcast. "I should probably head off to Nerv now..."

"True. If we're late, Misato will kill us," Kaji said thoughtfully.

There was wordless agreement.

* * *

Being a pilot at Nerv came with benefits, like enjoying this luxury pool exclusive to HQ.

While Asuka and Rei were doing what people with the ability to swim do - use it - Shinji was doing her homework by the side of the pool.

Misato had absolutely chewed them out for flunking in school, and Shinji didn't want to have a repeat incident. As such, she thought it best to just bring her laptop and get the stuff done.

"Hey."

Shinji looked up to see Asuka standing over her.

"What are you working on?" he asked, in a tone of voice that was relatively nice.

"Uhm. Just... thermal expansion," Shinji said.

Asuka looked unimpressed. "Huh. Let me just check that for a second..."

He leant over, causing Shinji to start turning bright red, and examined the equation.

"That simple, huh?" he said to himself. "No sweat..."

Shinji was feeling a little uncomfortable right about now and her face had gone from "small sprinkle of moeblush" to "full-on crimson", especially since Asuka was in the ideal position to give her a large serve of eye candy.

Asuka finally straightened, with a self satisfied smirk on his face.

"That wasn't so hard," he said haughtily. "If it was that easy, why did you struggle with it for so long?"

"Well, I-I just don't know that much about the theory," Shinji said, trying to defend herself.

"Simple. Professor Asuka here to save the day." Asuka smirked, knowing that they'd just entered _his_ academic turf, and he said "Professor" with enough conviction to make Shinji wonder if it was really true. Apparently her face showed her disbelief, because Asuka continued with "No, I'm not literally a Professor. Just a lowly alumni."

"Say _what?_ " Shinji asked. "I thought alumni was if you'd completed-"

"-college," Asuka completed. "That's right, ladies and gents, I've already finished college. I just do so badly 'cause I can't read most of the kanji," he said nonchalantly. "Anyway, back to the lecture! Things expand when they get hot, and they shrink when they cool. The exception is water between 4 degrees and zero degrees, which expands as it cools to become less dense. It's simple! If you're still struggling..." Here Asuka leaned over again. "... what else expands when it gets close to hot things... or people?"

Shinji wasn't the most knowledgeable person in the world about physics, but it only took the dirtier part of her mind to work out _what_ he was talking about.

"I-I wouldn't have a clue!" Shinji yelped. "I-I'm not that kind of girl, you know!" she stammered, disproving her point exactly.

"Hmph. How boring," Asuka sighed, before making his way back to the pool.

As he left, Shinji sighed. Finally the pressure was off, and she could turn to other things, like her homework, or Rei...

"Hey! Heeeey!" Asuka waved about frantically. "Watch this!" he called from the pool.

 _Splash._

A perfect Olympic 10/10 dive.

 _Another day in the life of Shinji Ikari_ , Shinji mentally sighed. _I'm actually hoping sync tests will come soon._

Unfortunately for her, there were no sync tests.

Just an Angel attack... or something rather different.

* * *

Asuka rummaged about in his changeroom locker for his plugsuit, only to find a much different model as opposed to his regular red affair.

"What the..."

Several pipes and tubes ran through the plugsuit, all seeming to come from one source on the back.

Asuka examined it critically for another few minutes before thinking, _Well, OK_ and just putting it on.

Normally plugsuits shrink down to skin-tight.

This plugsuit seemed to shrink down to small-intestine tight.

Asuka managed to stagger his way through the corridor and finally make his way to where the other Children were waiting, before collapsing onto a bench and struggling to regain his breath.

"Are you having an asthma attack?" Rei asked, staring at him.

"No... *wheeze*... it's fine... *gasp*..." Asuka wheezed. "Nothing... guh... wrong here... except for baka-Shinji..."

Asuka's vision might not've been optimal (given that his eyes were currently being squeezed out of their sockets) but he could still clearly see Shinji's nose bleeding.

This plugsuit, after all, was tight in many areas.

Ritsuko was also there, glaring at him for generally looking a mess.

"Sorry... *pant*... Dr. Akagi..." Asuka would've said something more cutting had it not been that his oxygen supply was also cutting... off.

"We're going to go ahead as planned and sortie Unit-02 and Unit-01 for this mission. Unit-00 will stand as back-up in Nerv. Understand?"

"Yes, ma'am," was the response from all three Children, with a few extra wheezes being thrown in on Asuka's part.

As they made their way to the Eva cages, Asuka noticed something was off with Unit-02.

Make that several somethings.

The Evangelion had been covered in another piece of D-Type equipment, and this one could not have been more humiliating than the tight and heavy plugsuit Asuka was wearing right now.

"Y-you've got to be kidding me, right Dr. Akagi?" he asked, staring at the fatsuit that enveloped his Eva.

"You got sortied to go into the volcano," Ritsuko replied. "That's the D-Type suit for the Evangelion. Wouldn't want you to be protected from outside heat, yet still _feel_ like you were being char-grilled."

"That doesn't matter if my dignity's being treated even worse!" Asuka cried, tearing his hair out. "What is it with me and stupid outfits..." he moaned.

* * *

Soon the Evangelions had reached Mt. Asama, and Unit-02 was being dropped into the volcano.

"Huh," Asuka said, noticing the planes flying above him. "At least they gave me back-up."

"Wrong," Ritsuko said over the intercom. "If your mission fails, an N2 mine will be dropped."

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"Oh, yes," Asuka said sarcastically. "I'm so glad you guys have so much faith in me."

"Stand-by to drop," another voice said.

"3..."

"2..."

"1..."

Asuka hit the surface of the lava with a small _sploosh_ , before sinking down into it.

The tight plugsuit was now the least of his problems, and Asuka wished for way, way, _way_ more coolant pipes (even though they felt like they weighed a ton.)

Peering out through the "visors" of the Eva, all he could see was an endless expanse of warm shifting and glowing orange.

"Tell me we're going to actually see the Angel sometime soon," he said to nobody in particular.

"Strange," Ritsuko said, rubbing her chin. "The MAGI report it should be down around here _somewhere_... Keep descending."

Asuka had a very detailed knowledge of physics, but it didn't take any of that to realise that if he kept going down something would give, whether it was the Eva, the Entry Plug or him.

Murky orange glow. Nothing too exciting right at the moment.

Then his Prog Knife snapped loose of its moorings... right as the Angel came into view.

"Oh, _scheisse_ ," Asuka muttered. "Please tell me you have something planned..."

"You didn't need it anyway," Misato reassured. "It's a capture mission, and a simple one. Just deploy the EM field cage."

Asuka did as he was told, gingerly moving towards the Angel before engaging the cage. Long blue lines of light wrapped around the Angel, and Asuka breathed a subconscious sigh of relief. Maybe things were going to plan.

In the true style of both Nerv and Seele, the bell did not ring and the scenario didn't go as planned.

As you do when you have 30 megavolts put through you, Sandalphon awoke. And it was _not_ happy.

* * *

Shinji was twiddling her Evangelion's thumbs when suddenly the volcano erupted.

"Holy crap."

Despite not reaching Rei levels of emotionless, the normally gentle Shinji swearing was cause for alarm on its own. The MAGI reporting the Angel was waking up was even more alarming.

Ritsuko immediately reached for the radio. "Prepare the N2 drop," she ordered. "Asuka, it's no longer a capture mission. Destroy it as fast as possible."

Asuka gritted his teeth and cracked his knuckles, before realising he was unarmed. He was about to go bare-mecha-knuckle against the Angel, until Shinji intervened by dropping a timely care package from the skies.

"Hey! Incoming!" she called through the intercom, and threw the knife straight down.

Asuka caught it, and charged headlong at Sandalphon.

"Gotcha now, you little-!" Asuka swung, and the mighty arms of the Evangelion slashed across Sandalphon only for the knife to skitter off. "DAMMIT!" he roared.

"Protective armor," Ritsuko reported. "Logically, it would have to be equipped with something on a titanium alloy scale just to withstand living in here," she muttered.

"Well thanks for that well-timed deduction. Not!" Misato snapped.

The Angel was rapidly mutating into an aquatic behemoth, or should that be a lava-tic behemoth?

Ritsuko considered her options.

Shinji was powerless to help, and a D-Type suit couldn't be delivered and put on the Eva in time. Rei couldn't do anything from all this way, and their most powerful weapon, the positron rifle, took up a lot of power and wouldn't get there in time.

Asuka wracked his brains frantically for a solution, before inspiration once again came from the heavens.

"HEY! ASUKA!" Unit-01 cupped its hands to its mouth. "DELTA T! DELTA T!"

"What's she screaming about now?" Ritsuko wondered.

"Delta T... temperature difference... thermal expansion! The coolant pipes!" Asuka snapped his fingers. "All right, you bastard, eat liquid nitrogen!" he screamed, tearing through the coolant pipes and aiming directly at what he assumed was the face of Sandalphon.

The effect was immediate. The once-solid armor cracked as it contracted and expanded, blisters on the Angel's flesh compressed by the force of hundreds of liters of coolant. Asuka spotted one particularly vulnerable patch that glistened a bright gleaming red, and instinct took over.

Sandalphon screamed and thrashed, before it finally stilled and began to burn up in the lava.

"YES! Take that! Angels zero, Asuka one! Woohoo!" Asuka was celebrating in the Entry Plug.

"Um, about that, Asuka," Ritsuko said delicately. "You're still sinking."

"Whu- Oh. Oh crap." Asuka frantically looked about for a solution, but there was none this time. Nothing could carry an Evangelion and withstand the heat, save for...

Another Evangelion.

Unit-01 approached the crater, and Misato could instantly tell what Shinji was thinking.

"Shinji, listen to me." She tried to put some reason into her words. "You're going against orders. You could die too. We can't lose both you _and_ Asuka down there!"

"I could die every day. What's another risk to me?" Shinji's voice said over the intercom, the nonchalance in her voice chilling Misato slightly.

The purple Evangelion leapt into the crater, immediately giving Shinji the sensation that her flesh was being roasted.

At this stage, though, she didn't care.

"Asuka!"

The Second Child had resigned himself to his fate, before noticing an arm, distinctly visible through the lava.

"Need... a hand?" Shinji asked, body wracked with waves of pain.

Asuka looked up, and smiled.

"Idiot! What did you think you were doing? Trying to get yourself killed, showoff?" Nonetheles, he reached up for the hand and felt himself being slowly lifted out.

"Can't hold on... much longer..." Shinji groaned with pain. [1]

Unit-01 and Unit-02 broke the surface of the now active volcano, and finally made it to land.

* * *

A few minutes later, Asuka and Shinji were finally out of their Evangelions, Shinji looking slightly burnt after her impromptu "diving trip".

They were in the change rooms, and by now Shinji would've at least gotten the arms of her plugsuit unstuck from her skin. Unfortunately, plastic at high temperatures doesn't cope well.

"Um, Asuka..." Shinji tugged at her plugsuit. "I need some help with this. It's..."

"Oh, no. Oh, no." Asuka looked pale. "Y-you're kidding me, right?" he stuttered. Flirting was one thing. Doing _this_ was a whole new level of wrong.

"I wish I could say no. Looks like it melted..." Shinji replied, trying to peel off one particularly goopy patch of plugsuit. "After I saved you, of course."

"O-OK," Asuka stammered, blushing bright red. "So, w-what do I have to do, here, exactly?" he asked.

"Just close your eyes and pull," Shinji instructed.

Asuka did as he was told, and tugged. At the tearing sound, he instinctively snapped his eyes open, and...

Oh. My. Goddess.^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H

* * *

The author mashed the delete key.

"WRONG FANDOM! CRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP-"

* * *

Oh. My. Goodness.

Asuka no longer had the capacity to think, because all the blood was being rerouted to more vital places right at the moment.

Funny that. Both her typical loose t-shirt and her plugsuit did a great job of concealing her curves. And boy did they look great without the cover...

His luminescent red blush and bleeding nose confirmed all Shinji needed to know.

"HENTAI! IDIOT! SHUT YOUR EYES!"

 _WHACK!_

Because out of all the forces known to mankind, a girl being spied on is the most destructive. Save for gossip and yaoi fanfic.

* * *

Kawoshin fangirls spontaneously combusted as they read this fic, driving evolution a tiny bit faster.

The author giggled at his dig at yaoi until he realised he was supposed to be writing more random Asushin crap.

"OK, OK, OK..."

* * *

After a few hours' worth of surgery to fix the effects of the volcanic version of the bends, Asuka woke up in the infirmary of the Nerv hospital with an IV drip stabbed into his arm, a pounding headache from the anaesthetics he'd been given and Shinji by his bedside.

"Whu?" Asuka said articulately, before he was wrapped in a crushing hug by Shinji. "...Ribs."

"Sorry. Just, y'know. Glad you're alive and all." Shinji's face was pink.

"Of course I'm not dead, Third Child! The great Asuka Langley Sohryu is too young to die, and more importantly too skilled! H'mph!" Asuka huffed. "How dare you doubt my skills in Eva piloting!" he scoffed. "Anyway, what happened to you here?"

"Um. They gave me some stuff to manage the burning sensation [2] I got from the Eva's neural link, and that was all, really. I was going to ask the same about you," Shinji replied.

"Suffice it to say my skin will have a couple of interesting marks from now on," Asuka grumbled. "Apart from that, just a bunch of bruises from the Angel thrashing about. Now, I'm hungry, baka-Shinji! The hospital must have Misato or someone of even worse quality on their payroll of kitchen staff."

"What was that, Mr. Sohryu?" Misato stuck her head into the room, her voice filled with mock ire. "The Katsuragi Katsu and Ramen Special is nothing short of a delight!"

"That's because you eat it while you're hung over," Asuka said drily. "Anyway, could you tell baka-Shinji to get her hentai hands off me?"

Shinji's eyes widened slightly. _He wouldn't dare!_

Misato glanced at Asuka, before turning her gaze to Shinji. "Ms. Ikari, how could you take advantage of Asuka while he was lying there unconscious?" [3] she said with a trace of horror in her voice. "Why, I thought you were an honourable young lady! Now it seems I'll have to cordon off your bedrooms from each other..."

"Misato!" Shinji cradled her head in her hands. "It wasn't like that at all!"

"So then what _was_ it like?" Misato replied.

"It was... um..." Shinji turned bright pink again. "I... um... hugged him. That was all, I swear!"

"And nearly broke my ribs, too," Asuka added.

"My, my, my, Shinji Ikari..." Misato grinned mischievously. "That tight hospital gown showin' off a lot more than you expected?"

Poor Shinji wanted nothing more than to melt into a puddle of LCL right then and there. (Mmm, foreshadowy...)

* * *

Misato signed the discharge forms for the two pilots and led them to the waiting Renault. "I was going to take you two to an onsen, but after that little stunt with the volcano..."

"I'm done with hot baths and anything that involves me placing myself into hot liquid," Shinji said, shuddering at the thought. "Especially not a volcanic hot spring."

For the second time that day, Asuka was cut off from saying something sarcastic, this time from his phone buzzing.

"Hm. A text." Asuka scrolled through his phone. "Weird..."

It was from Hikari.

"Same time, Saturday. -Hikari."

Misato opened the door of the car. "Well, I guess we'd better be going back home. Nerv wanted to do some sync tests in three or four days."

"What? Again?" Shinji groaned. "Ugh."

"Wait, three or four days. Would that include Saturday?" Asuka asked.

"Yep. Why? Planned anything then?" Misato asked.

"Well, you see, I have a-"

* * *

The author was slumped over his keyboard.

"How'd you like that... readers?... tease... ending... hahaha..." he mumbled.

A sniper scope aligned with his brain.

"I know, I know," he groaned. "Working on the next chapter..."

* * *

 **Stuff that Didn't Make The Cut**

 **(M-Rated For A Reason)**

* * *

[1]: This has to be the beginning of a lemon. Somebody write this. Please.

[2]: It was chlamydia.

[3]: If I ever take this up to EoE, prepare to see this in written form. Mweh. Heh. Heh.

 **A/N** : Edited once again to set up some more WAFF in the next chapter. Fuahahaha. I really need a pre-reader. Anyway, I promise I'm working on the next chapter! A preview might be posted up on here soon. I promise. *swears on great-aunt Mildred's life* Sorry for the lack of omake, which I'll remedy in the next chapter... of Eva One-Half. Read and review. -_^ Aiden out.


	4. The One With The Drag

"Well I lie and I'm easy

All of the time but I'm never sure

Why I need you

Pleased to meet you!"

\- Blur

 **A/N:** Long chapter is long. Prepare for a (funny) slog through this behemoth of a chapter.

The author spun round in his chair, an evil grin ripped straight outta Code Geass plastered all over his face. You know what this means. (Hopefully.)

"Eva One-Half update? Like hell yissss."

ObeliskX cheered and munched on his popcorn, while a couple of the other fans rubbed their hands eagerly. (Or booed. It doesn't matter, since he can't hear the sound.)

"I've overcome my writer's block and risen above the challenges to bring you this latest slice of comedic genius! And it's not a section of Robin Williams' brain. Plus, all you romantics might actually get a little bit of satisfaction outta this one."

The author opened up his laptop, and spun it round. A giant projector screen dropped down behind him, to reveal...

===4.4.4===

 **Eva One-Half**

===4.4.4===

"-A date."

"So? Ask to reschedule, then!" Misato said firmly, getting into the car. "You can't just shirk off your responsibilities as a pilot for your personal isues, Asuka."

"Um. Would that change if it involved another pilot?" Asuka asked, which narrowed the possible candidates down from about half of the entire population of Japan to two people.

"You're gay?" Misato replied, a frown on her face. _He's dating Rei?_ The other possibility was of course a non-starter.

"What? Excuse me?!" Asuka spluttered. "Hentai! Where do you even _get_ all of these ideas from?!"

"I hear she's like that at Nerv, too," Shinji mumbled.

"Hey, Maya, how was last night with Ritsuko?" Misato waggled her eyebrows suggestively at the poor bridge bunny. "I bet you rubbed her pussy, and I'm not talking about her cats!" she giggled.

"Why does everybody think I'm a lesbian?" Maya asked plaintively, pounding her fists on the desk.

"Ritsu?" Misato asked eagerly.

"Misato. Prepare to have a positron rifle shoved up your ass if you keep on asking me." Ritsuko's voice was terse.

"Kinky..." Misato whistled.

"ALL RIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH!"

"Well, there are only two real possibilities, y'know." Misato grinned. "You said you were dating a pilot, and I don't believe your hand is counted as a seperate pilot nor a date."

"Hey!" Asuka protested.

"So there were only two possibilities left. Rei, or Shinji."

"Of both those possibilities, why did you purposely choose the one that would embarrass me most?" Asuka groaned.

"You're saying you'd prefer to go out with Shinji, then?" Misato asked, a smug look on her face as she trapped Asuka in a conversational corner. "My, my, my, I was joking when I said I'd have to cordon off your bedrooms, but now I think I'll have to tell Ritsuko... Hm..."

"MISATO." Any flatter and Shinji's voice could've been mistaken for Leliel.

"Ah, c'mon Shin-chan, you're saying that you wouldn't do it with Asuka?" Misato giggled.

"Well, ye- I... hey!" Shinji blushed luminescent pink.

"As if I would _ever_ touch hentai-Shinji here with anything less than a biohazard suit and a ten-foot pole!" Asuka roared.

Misato chuckled quietly. This was going to be a very eventful ride home.

Far above the Earth, there exists a room known only as The Angelic Waiting Room, and the Angels in the aforementioned Waiting Room felt pretty nervous after the decimation of the last few of their kin.

Leliel was watching a replay of Gaghiel's defeat. [Duuuude.]

Zeruel nodded its half-molten head. [Duuuuude. Did you see that backflip?]

Just then, Armisael burst into the room. [Guys! Guys! Guys! Something went horribly wrong!]

[What did you do now, Mimi?] Zeruel sighed. Armisael's exploits in the Waiting Room were infamous, including his attempt at seducing the famous Angelic dominatrix Shamshel. That did _not_ go down well.

[Don't call me Mimi!] Armisael fumed. [Was anybody guarding the gateway to Earth, or were you all slacking off again?! I lost Tabris!]

Ireul gasped. [Little sis Kawo-chan! You're kidding me, right?] The rusty-haired - actually, just make that rusty - Angel was very fond of his little sister and would often play video games with her. Of course he always won, but that was beside the point.

Matarael click-clacked over to the room. [Guys, I'm so sorry!] she chittered. [She pushed in the Angelic Waiting Line, and... what was I supposed to do?!]

[YOU'RE MEANT TO KEEP HER WAITING UNTIL EPISODE 25, YOU IDIOT!] Zeruel bellowed, spraying bits of spit and A.T. Field everywhere.

The Katsuragi pseudo-family had arrived back at the apartment after a long and heated drive back home. Shinji had started cooking, while Asuka had decided to take a shower.

"Hey, Shin-chan. C'mere a few seconds," Misato called from the kitchen, taking another swig of her ever-present Yebisu. "Wanna talk about something."

"Hm?" Shinji asked, putting down the pan. "What is it now?" she asked, wary of Misato's instinct to automatically matchmake the two pilots irregardless of circumstance. It was a bit like poking a crocodile with a long pole. A very sappy, doe-eyed matchmaking crocodile, with a long pole of loneliness and isolation... Ahem. Mixed metaphors probably going too far.

"I'm no psych professor, but I can tell you're feeling nervous about your little date tomorrow with Asuka." Misato took another pull on her beer and declined to mention the fact that Ritsuko had kindly supplied her with all the psychological information she'd need, and something about hedgehogs. [1]

"And?" Shinji looked suspiciously at the Captain.

"In my magnanimous wisdom, I have decided to give you some of the advice I've collected over my almost three decades of life." Misato drained the beer can and chucked it lazily at the bin, where it bounced off the rim and clattered onto the tile.

"Seriously? You're twenty-nine?" Shinji asked. "No wonder you'd want to keep that confidential," she muttered.

"Hey, hey, hey, let's keep it civil," Misato replied, putting her hands up. "Anyway, about that advice. I know Asuka can be a little bit stand-offish..." [2]

Shinji snorted. "A little bit."

"Tell me about it," Misato sighed. "Now, anyway. How to handle someone like that." She took a brief pause to ask Shinji, "Pass me another can of Yebisu, please."

"This better be good advice," Shinji muttered, before tossing Misato the can of beer with aim honed through months of experience. "You were saying?" she prompted.

"Yeeeah, that's the stuff I'm talking about. Right. Advice. Well, Asuka's a stand-offish kind of guy, but I'm sure you know that already, right?" Misato grinned drunkenly for a few seconds. "So, the answer to your plight is obvious."

"I'm sure it isn't," Shinji replied primly.

"You gotta... hic!... fight back! Give him a taste of his own medicine!" Misato roared something that might've been a battle cry or a belch. "Jus'... not too much. That tends to scare people off. I saw what you did to that... Suz... Suzie kid..."

"Suzuhara," Shinji supplied. "Toji Suzuhara."

"Yeah! That asshat," Misato slurred. "He spent half his time in the Nerv infirmary next to his sister after you hit 'im..."

"C'mon, Shin-man, I hit you that one time, so now you get to punch me." Toji stood and drew himself up to his full height. "Come on. It's only fair."

Shinji looked confused that she was being offered a free hit, then rolled up her sleeves, drew back...

...and landed an almighty right hook onto Toji's jaw, decking him nearly instantly.

"I see bentos," Toji mumbled woozily as he struggled to stay conscious, before keeling over and collapsing onto the floor with a dull thud.

Kensuke quavered in fear after seeing that impressive display of power from his friend and now overlord Shinji Ikari.

"So, no harrassment then," he muttered under his breath as he rang for the ambulance.

"Don't punch Asuka, much as I'd like ya to," [3] Misato said, giggling. "Just, y'know. Put up a fight! Don' let him rough you around like that."

"Well, sure, I guess... thanks for the advice..." Shinji said quietly, before leaving for the kitchen. "Say, where's Pen-Pen?" she asked from the kitchen. [4]

A simultaneous "WAAAAARK!/WAAARGH!" from the bathroom soon answered that question. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST HOUSETRAIN YOUR STUPID BIRD?" Asuka screamed from the shower, drop-punting him out a conveniently placed window. "Seriously, Misato, you need that rabid thing on a leash! The pervert penguin keeps on spying on me while I'm in the shower!" he yelled, frantically trying to cover himself with a towel.

Misato gave a sidelong glance to Shinji, who was trying very hard not to look up lest she be verbally assaulted by Asuka again. "Hey, Shin-chan...~" she said sweetly, trying not to burst into giggles. "I'm sure you've seen him in that same position so many times before." [5]

"MISATO!" Shinji yelped from the cover of the kitchen counter. "Just go get him a towel or something!"

"I see you there, Third!" Asuka said, backing away to the safety of the shower. "Don't even think about ogling me, you hentai!"

Misato sipped at her beer again and quietly snickered under her breath. A brilliant idea had formed in her head, and it would require both teens asleep to pull it off...

 _The Next Day_

Shinji rubbed her eyes blearily as the morning growth spurt of Tokyo-3 rumbled its way throughout the city.

She rummaged around in her cupboards for her school uniform and instead pulled out... a fresh pair of dark grey pants, a white shirt and a matching belt which she soon recognised as being...

Asuka's. Her eyes widened. He was the only one in the household with this uniform, and it even smelled like him... [6] _ahem._.. If she was caught in this, Asuka would probably snap her neck and dispose of her in the Eva cages. She frantically searched her meager cupboard for her school uniform, only to find little more than a couple of lonely dust motes and a tape for her SDAT.

She wrestled with her dilemma before deciding to suck it up and just put the clothes on anyway. The shirt was too tight around _that_ particular area, but apart from that it was fine.

As soon as Misato woke up and made her way to the kitchen, Shinji immediately demanded to know where her uniform was accompanied by some threats involving the use of a chainsaw and a high-caliber machine gun.

"I asked Makoto to do the laundry, so you wouldn't have to!" Misato exclaimed, even as the hand pinning her up against the wall threatened to cut off all her air supply.

"Wait, you mean the bridge tech?" Shinji asked, her eye beginning to twitch.

"All right," Makoto sighed. "I have no idea how I got roped into doing this, anyway... so let's see. Nerv jacket, Nerv jacket, Nerv jacket, Nerv jacket... high-school uniform?" The captain had some weird tastes in fashion, he thought to himself. [7]

"Yeah, that guy."

"Misato. I am going to murder you," Shinji growled under her breath, before Asuka entered the room.

Asuka snickered. "The kids at school call you boyish, I just didn't know you actually _were_ a boy." [8]

"Hey, blame Misato," Shinji grumbled, ignoring the whimpering coming from the pinned-down Captain. "Instead of leaving my laundry with _me_ , she decided to give it to some random bridge tech at Nerv!"

"Did Misato get drunk _again?_ " Asuka asked, hiding a smile behind his hand. "How many cans this time?"

"I lost count after the fifth one," Shinji replied, earning her a "Hey!" from Misato.

"So then, after you were finished pleasuring yourself with my uniform, did you at least cook breakfast?" Asuka teased.

Shinji dropped Misato with a thud onto the floor, and fetched the plate of food from the kitchen (though not without some grumbling), before picking up her bag and slinging it over her shoulder. "Ready to go yet, Asuka?"

"Mmf. Don't rush me." Scraping up the last of his bacon and eggs, he dropped the plate over the counter and ran out the door with his bag, before yelling a rushed "Bye Misato" and slamming the door behind him.

"...I need a drink," Misato mumbled.

"Good morning, Ms. Ikari," the teacher said from behind his thick glasses. "What happened to your uniform today?"

"Sensei, the last time an Angel attacked they both suffered severe burns and she can't wear her typical uniform," Hikari piped up. "She has a doctor's note with her, if you'd like to see."

Shinji fumbled around in her schoolbag, which served both as her storage space for her plugsuit and other Nerv things as well as her textbooks. "Um. These were the discharge forms from the hospital," she said awkwardly, handing her teacher the papers.

He inspected them for a few seconds, before handing them back to her. "Very well, then Ms. Ikari." He would have inquired further, had Shinji not shot him the Gendo look. She made her way to her seat, ignoring the odd hushed whisper or sidelong glance at her outfit, before flashing a thankful look at Hikari and sitting down next to Toji and Kensuke.

"So, what happened to your uniform today?" Toji asked, picking at his teeth.

Shinji sighed, and explained the whole incident with Misato.

"Wow. So the whole thing was just Misato playing a prank on you?" Kensuke asked in disbelief. "Man, I'll never understand that woman," he sighed.

"I don't think you'll ever understand women of any sort," Toji replied. "So, anyway, me and Kensuke were thinking if we could come round to your house."

"Sure," Shinji replied, head in her notebook. "How desperate is this emergency, anyway?"

Asuka and Hikari were carrying on a similar conversation. That is, similar as an Angel is similar to a human being.

"What do you even see in aggressive idiot anyway?" Asuka asked, in genuine disbelief. "You do realise they sell photos of other girls in the school, right?"

"That's just Kensuke. And Toji's strong, and nice..." Hikari sighed dreamily. "And he likes my cooking, too."

"So you basically like him because you're like him," Asuka concluded. "I saw you grab the Stooge by the ear once and lug him halfway across the school, I wouldn't become friends with you if you weren't nice and you probably like your own cooking. Hopefully, anyway."

"So? It helps if you're alike. Not too different, but, y'know, similar enough so that you don't clash too much, and different enough so that you don't get bored." Hikari made a pinching motion with thumb and finger and pretended to adjust an invisible valve. "And anyway, you probably have the same reasons for liking Shinji, too."

"Say what now?" Asuka said skeptically. "Look, we're only accepting this whole date thing to be polite, and because it's on Misato's tab."

Misato rummaged in her purse for money, only succeeding in finding a 100 yen coin and a piece of old chewing gum, before pulling out a note taped to the inside of the purse.

"Dear Misato," it read. "Since you're so enthusiastic about me and baka getting together, why don't you pay for it too? -Sincerely, the Second Child."

Misato's fist clenched, crumpling the note into a little paper ball. "Why you little sh-"

"What? I mean, I see the way you look at her," Hikari said. "Not to mention your sync training."

"That was for the battle!" both Asuka and Shinji said defensively, before Shinji blushed and turned back to her book.

"Besides, you two are a lot alike. For starters, you're both Eva pilots. Who else in the world, save for Ayanami, has the same distinction?" Hikari asked. "Not only that, but you sync up so well together!"

"Are you implying something, Hikari?" Asuka said accusingly.

"No, just... listen. You both even live together, and Shinji cooks you lunch. Why would anyone cook someone else lunch if they didn't care about them?" Hikari finished off her list of "Reasons Why You Two Should Screw" and drummed her fingers on the table. "So, then. Need more convincing?"

"I... I give in," Asuka said begrudgingly. "You are my friend after all, and I'm obliged to be nice to you." He would've ended the conversation right then and there had he not remembered something he'd been discussing with Misato the previous night. "Actually, I'm thinking we need to reschedule."

"Well, somebody needs to run away from his emotions," Hikari muttered. "Yes, to when?"

"We're moving the date to the next non-Angelic day. Got that?" Asuka asked. "We have a sync test on Saturday, so-

 _Beoooww._

The entire classroom's light's flickered before fading to pitch-black.

"Shit."

The three amigos were currently making their way to Nerv as fast as possible. They hadn't heard an Angel alarm but were instead heading there on general principles - something wrong happens, it's an Angel.

"What the hell's going on?" Shinji asked, staring at the buildings around them, all of which had gone completely dark. "You'd think if there was a blackout Ramiel had returned."

"I dunno," Asuka replied, trying to remember which way to head next. "I don't see an Angel anywhere, either. But it's not like Tokyo-3 to blackout, especially with all the backup generators."

"This is certainly an infrequent occurence," Rei concurred. "The probability of all backup generators failing at once is approximately..." He frowned for a second, before concluding, "Zero. I believe Nerv is this way," he stated, pointing his finger at a road that led to a familiar tunnel.

The JSSDF Generals were seated around the conference table.

"Say, it was a good thing we bought those spare generators from Germany," Colonel Ryoma piped up. "Our base now won't be taken out whenever Nerv does."

Colonel Reichu nodded her head imperiously. "With all the reports of sabotage going around, it was necessary to take these precautions. Not only that, but Nerv was placing a massive drain on our budget just for supplying electricity to our HQ."

"Thank goodness for Seele. Speaking of which, Angel attacks. Remind us again who was meant to be detecting and confirming, and all of that?" Ryoma asked.

"Hmm... Agent Codename Bochan-Bird?" Reichu asked. "What a silly name for an agent of the JSSDF..."

"Ah, Nerv, ma'am," Bochan reported.

The lights in the HQ suddenly flickered and sputtered, but remained on.

"That would be our backups going online," Reichu muttered. "We still have access to our ships and satellites, though, and that's where Nerv gets most of their information from. A blackout might be related to an Angel attack. Scan every surveillance feed we have."

"Yes, sir."

"Well, now we're at HQ, how do we get in?" Shinji asked, trying with no success to swipe her ID card. "The front gate's broken..."

"Does anyone have a rocket launcher?" Asuka wondered. "Fine, I guess I'll have to take point. Shinji, could you try the handle of that crank door?"

"Sure, why... noot?" Shinji wheezed, arms straining to lift the solid steel sheet of a door. "...Hnghghg...*wheeze*...hgnghgn! Finally!"

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Asuka asked. "Let's just get in there and head to the cages!"

"The fastest way to head to the cages would be on the other side of Nerv," Rei observed.

"You're kidding me," Shinji muttered.

"What's going on?" Shigeru asked, strumming his e-guitar furiously to no effect.

"Seriously?!" another bridge tech known only as Olga replied, cranking a hand-powered torch. "We're in a blackout, and all you can think about is your bass?"

"I like guitar," the miffed guitaku replied. "You know I'm all about that-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, SHIGERU!" Olga screamed. "Now, if you would stop quoting pop music, could we get the aircon in here?"

"I can't access the mainframe," Shigeru replied, typing on the console. "It's... also out of power."

"Wait, if we're out of power, does that mean we won't be able to detect any Angels?" Maya piped up.

A collective silence fell over the room.

"Say, where's Makoto?" Shigeru asked.

"I really wish I hadn't taken that bet," Makoto mumbled, lugging a heavy bag filled with Misato (and Shinji's) clothing. "I don't know why Misato wears a school uniform, anyway," he muttered.

Matarael braced itself. It knew it was always really the weakest one among the Angels, but even so its mission was simple. Warp in and cause Third Impact... while also searching for Tabris along the way.

[You ready for this, big bro?] Bardiel asked, bubbling nervously. [I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to...]

[No, it's fine,] Matarael sighed. [This is the Episode when I get deployed, anyway. Tokyo-3 blacks out, etc. Isn't that right, Mr. Anno, sir?]

Hideaki Anno nodded his canonical head imperiously.

[So then, I guess here goes...] Matarael charged for the portal and went _whoomf_... before touching down in the Atami region. [I smell Lilith!] it roared. [And I'mma gonna getcha!]

"Sir, the Eighth angel has made landfall in the former Atami region!" one soldier reported.

"Alert Nerv immediately," Colonel Reichu ordered.

"We've already tried that," the soldier replied. "They're not responding to any of our messages."

"The blackout must have taken them out hard if they can't even activate the Angel alarm," Ryoma muttered. "Are there any other ways we could alert the populace of Tokyo-3?"

"Hmm... I have an idea." Reichu snapped her fingers. "Get me a plane, a pilot with a shouty voice and... a piece of paper," she ordered a nearby officer.

"Yes, sir?"

The piece of paper and pilot with a shouty voice made their way to the commanding officers while the plane just stood in the hangar.

Reichu scribbled some hasty kanji onto the paper, and handed it to the pilot with a shouty voice. "Read that out over the loudspeakers on that plane over in hangar 15-A, and make sure you fly over the majority of the city while you do so."

"YES, SIR!" the pilot roared.

Ryoma wiped some spit off of his face.

"Aherm. Hem. Hem. Hem. Aherrrm." The pilot cleared his throat. "Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3. Ahem. The Eighth Angel has made landfall. Repeat. The Eighth Angel has made landfall. We'd appreciate it if you head to the nearest Angel shelter so we don't have to clean up your dead body. Thank you. *squeek*"

"Oh, crap, an Angel attack?" Makoto bit his lip. "Well, I guess I gotta do what I gotta do..."

He carjacked a politician's campaign van, curbstomped the poor bugger and sped off, screaming "ANGEL ATTACK!" as loudly as he could through the speakers. _If Nerv knew about this, the alarm should be going off... they're in massive danger now!_

[Rek teh n00bs!] Ireul cheered, watching the battle - well, more like unopposed advance - unfold below them. Zeruel shot some celebratory beams out of his eyeballs and did the Mexican wave with his toilet-paper arms, while Leliel vomited up a giant sponge finger and tried his best to wave it about. Armisael wrote out "GO MATARAEL" in the Waiting Room with her weird body and Ireul made an LCD display with "ANGELS FTW" on it.

[You reckon they'll find Kawo-chan?] Arael asked concernedly.

[Guys, she's not here!] Matarael chittered nervously. [I... I searched everywhere, and can't detect her presence! She'd not even at Nerv!]

[You heartless bastards! Why would you kill such an innocent little girl?] Armisael wailed.

[She's... dead? Noooo!] Matarael sobbed, as he was standing over Nerv's access shaft. [Uwwaaaaaaaahhhh! Snf... you had so many Third Child hearts to destroy and yuri fans to please, Kawo-chan...] he sniffed. [So much potential... wasted! Uwaah...]

The three amigos were now wandering the corridors of Nerv, and were all hopelessly lost.

"Do you even know where we're going?" Shinji asked testily. "I'm sure we've been here before."

"Shut it, Third! I'm finding the shortcut!" Asuka declared. "Now, I'm sure it's got to be here somewhere..."

"Have you tried the vent?" Rei suggested helpfully. "I believe that would be the shortcut you are describing."

Asuka shot him an evil look before pulling open the vent and crawling into it.

"C'mon, what are you guys waiting for?" he asked, his voice ringing through the vent.

Shinji sneezed. "There's so much dust in here! And this is the ventilation system of Nerv..." she said in disbelief.

"I feel like a chimmney brush," Asuka agreed. "Or something similar. If I just open this hatch..." After a couple of seconds of fiddling with the latches, he pushed the hatch open... and came face-to-face with the Ninth Angel.

"HOLY SHIT!" Asuka clapped his hand over his mouth and slammed the hatch shut. _It looked like it was crying into the shaft!_ "Right, now, which way this time, Wonderboy?" he asked, trying to cover the fact he was *this* close to wetting himself.

Rei struggled to stick his head above Asuka's while also trying not to put a dent in the vent by smashing his head into it. "I believe if we go backwards and then take a right, we will approach the Evangelion cages," he said calmly.

"Glad to know you're still the commander's bitch," Asuka muttered darkly.

"I am not a dog," Rei replied as they crawled through another vent. "Nor am I a female. Also, I do not enjoy being penetrated from the behind."

Shinji spat out an invisible drink.

All three Children gathered around the grating Rei had pointed out. "You sure that's the right one, Ayanami?" Shinji asked nervously. "I don't want to get stuck going around in circles again."

"Lemme just take a look through," Asuka said, putting his eye to the grate.

"Hey, what about me?" Shinji asked as well, joining Asuka in looking through the metal.

"I would appreciate it if you did not obstruct the-"

 _Crash!_

"Gwaah!"

Asuka and Shinji landed in an awkward pile on the floor (which could be foreshadowing for a lemon) while Rei pulled off a perfect dismount in front of them. His crimson eyes gleamed a little bit, simultaneously performing an anime eye flash.

"Uff." Shinji dusted herself off from the grime her/Asuka's uniform had accumulated from the vents. "Guess you were right, Ayanami. These are the Eva cages," she said, scanning the area. "Hey, is that... the Commander?" she asked, squinting at the tall dark figure helping load the Entry Plugs into the Evangelions.

"Your identification appears to be correct," Rei observed.

"Right. Enough about the bastard, let's just get into the Evas and kill that thing!" Asuka pounded his fist into his palm.

Rei frowned a little bit at the use of adjective to describe the Commander, but agreed with the last part of Asuka's sentiment.

"This should be no sweat!" Asuka declared proudly. "The Core should be just right above the weird eye-thing on the body."

"Sweet." Shinji grabbed her pallet rifle and aimed up, ready to fire, before Matarael started crying lightning/acid. "Ah! That can't be good!"

"Move out!" Asuka shoved Shinji back into a different access shaft and took the acid bath. "Really should've bought an umbrella," he hissed through the pain of his shoulder being slowly melted. He flicked the last gobs of acid off his shoulder and ran for the access shaft. Rei soon followed behind him, having dropped his own pallet rifle too. "Do you have a plan, Pilot Sohryu?"

"Um. All right, here's the plan. I get on defense and block the acid with my A.T. Field while also weakening the Angel's own A.T. Field. Next, Wonderboy tosses a rifle to baka-Shinji, who takes it down. Got that?" Asuka asked. "No objections, good. Let's get killing! Here we go, A.T. Field to maximum!" he barked, running into the access shaft. The giant machine responded in kind as the orange octagons flared to life, fighting against those of the Angel. The acid was held at bay for the time being, but the Field was flickering.

Straight away, Rei threw a rifle at Shinji, who caught it and aimed precisely at the eye of the Angel, before squeezing the trigger gently.

The hail of bullets instantly tore through the Angel's Core, and its legs buckled for a few moments before giving out.

The Ninth Angel was dead.

Despite all Nerv's high-tech systems, personnel were forced to rely on torches and batteries, primitive things in comparison to the Evangelions. Needless to say, showers were awkward at best, and yaoi at worst.

"Right, now where's my locker?" Asuka muttered, feeling about in the darkness. "Hang on a second..." He fumbled around and felt something distinctly non-metallic, causing his eyes to widen.

"Pilot Sohryu, I would request-"

"BWAAAAAAAGGHH!"

Shinji heard the commotion coming from the guys' changing room and thanked whatever deities were out there for being the only girl out of all the pilots.

Misato and Shinji were sitting outside the locker rooms, twiddling their thumbs waiting for Asuka to return.

"So, I'm guessing dinner's off," Misato said.

Shinji nodded. "It's kinda unfortunate, isn't it, how an Angel always seems to attack us right when something significant's about to happen," she mused. "Like our date."

"They always have the best sense of timing," Misato sighed, a small smile on her face. "First, Sachiel attacks the same day you arrive in Tokyo-3. Next, you stop by the Angel shelter near your school when those two... Stooges, Asuka called them... are about to be squished by Shamshel. Then the JSSDF builds a positron rifle when Ramiel attacks - I think you get the idea."

"Maybe it's not the Angels that have good timing, it's me that has _bad_ timing," Shinji wondered.

Asuka emerged from the changing rooms, looking visibly shaken. "I... next time this kinda thing happens, give me a torch before I go inside," he said, shuddering.

"Anyway, Misato, when am I going to get my uniform back?" Shinji asked, tugging at the shirt in a futile attempt to make it fit better.

Misato's eyes snapped open. "I never asked Makoto where he put our clothes!" she gasped in sudden realisation.

Far away on a now deserted street of Tokyo-3, a bag of outfits with Shinji's school uniform in it blew by as a loud scream echoed from the direction of Nerv HQ.

The 13th Angel had been preparing to make the trip to Earth for a little while, packing several suitcases filled with school uniforms and other required items such as Earthly money. Now that Armisael had gotten out of the way and allowed her to escape, she would finally be free to realise her own destiny instead of following Anno's stupid canon.

But until she could evolve into a big Angel like her brothers and sisters, Tabris decided she would settle down on Earth for a little while.

Rei Ayanami was unused to interruptions at this time of the day, especially after an Angel attack. Yet somebody had rung the bell, and was humming a happy tune he recognised as Bach's Air.

 _There are several options. It could be Dr. Akagi, yet she would not be humming a tune of any sort. It could be Pilot Ikari, yet she does not generally go outside after an Angel attack. I have found no matches,_ Rei thought.

The stranger was running through the hall and yelling something with some annoyance, judging by the sound coming from the corridor. Rei cautiously opened the door, and was tackled to the floor by a strange white-haired girl in a collision reminiscent of First Impact.

Rei rubbed his head in pain. He tried to blink away the spots in his vision, and slowly his vision began to clear to reveal what seemed to be his doppelganger, ruby-red eyes and all, save for her light gray hair. He also couldn't help but notice the stranger's legs spread out just enough to reveal-

"I apologise," Rei said almost bashfully. "That was inappropriate of me."

"No, it was my fault," the stranger replied. "I shouldn't have been running up and down like that looking for Neka," she mumbled, rearranging her skirt into something less revealing. "Do you need assistance?" the stranger asked, offering him her hand.

Rei accepted and was helped up by the mysterious girl. "I really am very sorry," Rei said, brushing a few bits of stray dirt from his hair. "I did not see anything improper." He was still getting used to the societal expectations of his fellow beings in terms of dress, but felt this was an appropriate comment.

The girl smiled back at him. "We're trying to out-accomodate each other," she mumbled absent-mindedly. "Anyway, my name's Kaworu Nagisa," Kaworu said happily. "And this is my cat, Nekaworu!" She pointed at a cat of similar appearance to herself, red eyes and all.

"Rei Ayanami," the boy in question replied. "It is good to meet you."

"I'd shake, but..." Kaworu trailed off as she noticed her hand was still intertwined with Rei's.

"Apologies," Rei stammered, withdrawing almost reluctantly. He was always clearly enunciated. Why did this strange impediment in his speech suddenly occur?

"I think you're just the person I was meant to meet," Kaworu said almost dreamily.

"Why would that be?" Rei asked, idly fixing a stray strand of hair.

"I'm moving in with you."

===END===

 **Author's Interview**

Aiden: You're probably wondering why Kaworu arrived early. Well, aside from Armisael being too lazy to keep tabs on her, I read in EvaGeeks-

*ALL HAIL REICHU, AND YUI-SAMA* (bows)

Aiden: -that in the design proposal he was meant to attack much earlier and also had a pet cat, which is a bit ironic in Sadamoto's manga.

Kaworu: C'mon, it was dying! It's called _euthanasia_.

Aiden: Ahem, anyway, it also gives me space to set up a relationship between both Rei and Kaworu, while also of course using propinquity to help move the two closer together. Props to Donderkind for introducing me to this word. It just fits perfectly with both these pairings.

m!Rei: I am informed that Kaworu enjoys long, hot baths. (lecher(ei)slook)

Aiden: Prepare to take one with her, then. (rubs hands eagerly)

Obelisk: Is there a lemon scene?

Aiden: No.

Obelisk: Awww.

f!Kaworu: 0/_/0 Hey, now just cause I'm like Rei doesn't mean I have the same lack of social skills as him! (pouts)

Aiden: You're saying you _wouldn't_ want to take one with him? You were more than happy to take one with Shinji...

f!Kaworu: Well, you know what, for fanservice and all that, why not? ^_^

Aiden: Excellent. I trust there will be no record of this, much like a bell which does not ring. *glasses flash* So anyway, seeya later, people! Up next - a slice of life in Tokyo-3! No Angels required! Sorry for the monster of a chapter.

Yui-sama: Glad to see you're stopping putting it off, my daughter's getting sexually frustrated.


End file.
